msilverstar: (viggo-orli welly)
[personal profile] msilverstar
Title: Young
Author: [livejournal.com profile] msilverstar
Fandom: LOTRPS
Pairing: Viggo/Orlando
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Inspired by real people, but fictional. I made it up.
Summary: Brings back memories
A/N: for the [livejournal.com profile] contrelamontre alternate endings challenge, written in about 70 minutes but mulled over for most of a week.



The noise and smell of the room takes him back to cheap bars, when they snuck into smokey dives in high school. When pisswater beer was enough to make brothers of his friends and lose inhibitions right and left. Jeremy. They were stupider than sheep back then. A wonder that he got off with a scar and some embarrassing memories. Angie had it worse...

Now it takes more than a beer or three to loosen him up. Pretty wound up these days, gotta watch out, not lose control. But it's the first night out with the guys from the cast, and fuck if he's going to cut himself off this time. Idiot stunt, to do Method in a piece of trash like GI Jane. Anyway, a Fellowship requires a different approach, and we'll be here for most of a year.

Coming in late, to the shoot and to the bar. Do the generous thing, and buy a little affection. They turn towards him, and he finds the good-old-boy voice to say "Drinks for everyone, on me!" Their faces light, the voices chorus thanks, that was clearly the right thing to say.

So many of them to keep track of, peering into the dim haze. Elijah, the kid who plays Frodo. Not much like the book character, but damned effective on film, in the rushes Peter showed. Bob, the swordmaster, deserves more than one drink for taking a rank newcomer and helping him survive a scene like Weathertop. A couple of short guys, hobbits, harassing the guy who plays the dwarf. Peter explained that casting a tall one works for proportion but it still doesn't make sense.

Let's have that beer and smile and nod. We're going to be companions. And look at that elf in the mohawk, saw him at archery practice earlier. The hobbits seem to have attacked him now, stripping off his shirt and tickling him. Nice to look at. Eye candy. Everyone's looking at him now. Anyone would want him, not just an artist who hasn't been laid in months. He's looking here, appeal in his eyes. Should I rescue him from the hobbits?

The boy is young, but fuck, he's gorgeous. I think he knows it. He's so much like Jeremy, smooth and lithe and beautiful. When they tickle him, he moves like a seal in the water. Bet he'll move like that when he's fucking too. Want to find out. Time to wade over and rescue him.

==================================


The noise and smell of the room takes him back to cheap bars, when they snuck into smokey dives in high school. When pisswater beer was enough to make brothers of his friends and lose inhibitions right and left. Jeremy. They were stupider than sheep back then. A wonder that he got off with a scar and some embarrassing memories. Angie had it worse...

Now it takes more than a beer or three to loosen him up. Pretty wound up these days, gotta watch out, not lose control. But it's the first night out with the guys from the cast, and fuck if he's going to cut himself off this time. Idiot stunt, to do Method in a piece of trash like GI Jane. Anyway, a Fellowship requires a different approach, and we'll be here for most of a year.

Coming in late, to the shoot and to the bar. Do the generous thing, and buy a little affection. They turn towards him, and he finds the good-old-boy voice to say "Drinks for everyone, on me!" Their faces light, the voices chorus thanks, that was clearly the right thing to say.

So many of them to keep track of, peering into the dim haze. Elijah, the kid who plays Frodo. Not much like the book character, but damned effective on film, in the rushes Peter showed. Bob, the swordmaster, deserves more than one drink for taking a rank newcomer and helping him survive a scene like Weathertop. A couple of short guys, hobbits, harassing the guy who plays the dwarf. Peter explained that casting a tall one works for proportion but it still doesn't make sense.

Let's have that beer and smile and nod. We're going to be companions. And look at that elf in the mohawk, saw him at archery practice earlier. The hobbits seem to have attacked him now, stripping off his shirt and tickling him. Nice to look at. Eye candy. Everyone's looking at him now. Anyone would want him, not just an artist who hasn't been laid in months. He's looking here, appeal in his eyes. Should I rescue him from the hobbits?

The boy is young. Someone said he's twenty. Christ, I was in high school twenty years ago. I did a lot of stupid things then. Beer and dope and sex. Before AIDS, I can't believe how much we fucked back then. Angie... He could be my son. He's looking at me like a child might. We never knew if it was a boy. I could never have raised it. I could never have asked Angie to keep it. But Henry... Time to wade over and rescue him.

CCFP

Date: 2003-09-06 10:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gabbyhope.livejournal.com
First off, I was pleasantly surprised that I was assigned you, Avi, for the project. I have read your stories before, have commented to you on them before in a critical manner, and this is just another excuse to blab at you, isn't it? Good times. (of course, you know just to take my opinions as they are -- my opinions. grain of salt and all of that.)

This is a challenge fic, so it's a bit difficult for me to judge if you had the time to do it all within the time limit, the restrictions, etc. I would have picked a fic that you wrote on your own time for this project, but I understand your reason for wanting to flesh it out some.

I remember this challenge; it produced incredibly interesting responses, depending on how the author looked at the 'sliding doors' idea. In your case, the two halves are exactly the same, except for the ending paragraphs. I like that; by the time that the reader goes over the second part, they expect something to happen, but it ends up being something different.

You have a tendency of joining two opposing thoughts in one sentence. It detracts from the sentence as a whole, because even though there's a comma there, there is no conjunction, and so it's just two completely different thoughts mashed together. Their faces light, the voices chorus thanks, that was clearly the right thing to say. This is a glorious sentence chock full of atmosphere. Probably the most telling out of the piece. But 'the voices chorus thanks' and 'that was clearly the right thing to say' are in no way related to one another. 'That was clearly the right thing to say'... is that Viggo thinking to himself? Is it a side-note? The voices chorus thanks because it was clearly the right thing to say? Don't be afraid to add some meat to it. Don't be afraid to spell things out to us.

Speaking of 'us'... the POV switches from third to first several times. It doesn't exactly work, because it's not, "Viggo thought" or "Viggo wondered." It's "I" and "We." If anything, I'd suggest putting the first person bits in italics, and distinguishing between Viggo's thoughts and what we are seeing from the third person point of view. Or perhaps the entire fic should be changed to first person? It could work either way. It reads as a monologue, which is very interesting, but rather tricky to do. On one hand, it should be quick, fast, like a one tends to think. On the other, you cannot neglect the physical details. Which brings me to...

Description, description, description. Where are they? What does it look like? Smell like? Orlando... mohawk, okay, got it. What else? Eye candy? Cliché. Dig in deep, tell us what Viggo sees. What do You see? Only then can we realize Viggo's want. Only then can we see it, taste it, want to urge him on. I like how you say that Viggo's "an artist who hasn't been laid in months." Funny, charming. But what else? There's no such thing as too much atmosphere. There are names and words thrown around (Elijah, Weathertop, Bob, Hobbits...), which to most lotrips writers, is pretty damn basic, of course. We know who Bob is, what Elijah's hair looks like, what Hobbits eat for second breakfast. But it never hurts (Never) to point them out to us again. I'm not saying that you should hand out, oh, well, Elijah's wide, blue, flashing eyes pierced into Viggo's soul, and Bob, the swordsman, is fifty-something years old, he trained Errol, you know. But I am saying that there should be more to it. Back story. Where are they, again? New Zealand, of course. We know that. The person next to us knows that. But it's a story. Treat it well. Give it the attention it deserves, and it'll loff you forevah.

Part Two

Date: 2003-09-06 10:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gabbyhope.livejournal.com
I did a lot of stupid things then. Beer and dope and sex. Before AIDS, I can't believe how much we fucked back then.

Wonderful. We get a little dirt on Viggo, and it's straight to the point, at that. Very nice. There's nothing wrong with avoiding the bush when it comes to exposition, I think. Viggo was a hippie! Yay hippies!

I think I see where you meant to go, but I'm not sure if I understand why. Angie? Who is Angie? Who is Angie to Viggo? So, uh. Abortion? When did this happen? Why bring up Henry? I know Henry is Viggo's son, but some people (who live under fandom rocks), may not. It's rather pushed on at the last second, which I believe may be the time limit's fault (damn challenges), but still. Many, many questions left unanswered. Why does Viggo think of it in the second version, but not the first? There must have been some sort of clear thought, some sort of action, that brought it on. How do the two differ, exactly?

So, yes. In short, fleshed out, it could be a thing of beauty. But it falls short both sensory and story-wise. If I can't see the reason behind it, let alone the what, how, where, then it isn't complete. Good luck! You know where to find me if you've any questions.

Re: Part Two

Date: 2003-09-13 09:53 pm (UTC)
ext_14277: (Default)
From: [identity profile] eyebrowofdoom.livejournal.com
Incidentally, and this in no way says Gabby is wrong, but I like the unfleshed-out-ness of Viggo's thoughts within the scene -- it mimics thought in that you don't necessarily stop and dwell on every thought that comes up, you don't stop to explain yourself to yourself (of course internal monologue is a totally artificial conceit [we don't think in sentences] and so there's only so many truth claims one can make about the way it ought to be done, but nonetheless). What Viggo reveals here is enough for me within this scene -- enough to guess the details and be intrigued. But what it makes me want is for both narratives to keep going into subsequent scenes -- I want my fleshed-out-ness to come through action rather than contemplation as it were. I confess I find the idea of extended parallel narratives incredibly cool.

As it is, I love the voice of this! I hadn't read it before because I don't always read challenges.

Re: Part Two

Date: 2003-09-13 10:37 pm (UTC)
ext_14277: (Default)
From: [identity profile] eyebrowofdoom.livejournal.com
Ah: I didn't see a problem with showing/telling in this in its current form, if that's what you are deducing! I was suggesting that if one were indeed to flesh this out, I'd prefer to see monologue continue in its current quick, allusive way, rather than stop to make contemplative excurses. :)
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